I’ve noticed that the word “can’t” seems to be often misused these days, as if to indicate what a person would rather not do instead of what they are unable to do. For instance, someone asks of another, “Will you be coming out tonight?”, and the response is, “I can’t. I’m busy.” Being busy doesn’t actually make someone incapable of going out, it’s just a way of saying they have something more important to do. Still, why say “can’t” when it is more accurate to say “won’t”? “I won’t be coming out because I’m busy with something more important.” This use of the word “can’t” is very common, and has seemed to be accepted to mean something other than its literal interpretation. Though we all understand what is being implied, as someone very interested in words and their literal meanings, I approach this with a bit of caution, speculation and even humour.

I’ve seen the use of “can’t” used in price negotiations. “Would you go down a hundred dollars?” “I can’t. $500 is the best I can do.” Then, moments later, a lower price is agreed to. In that sort of situation, people want to appear firm, uncontrollable and committed to their goal. If someone says they won’t do something, there’s still room for the other person to try to convince them, but if they say they can’t, well why should they be bothered to change a situation beyond their control? Most people understand what is really being communicated through this use of “can’t”, but I think it can get people into an unhealthy state of mind if regularly misused.

I’ve noticed the use of “can” and “can’t” in my phrasing at work. When I needed to ask someone to do something, I’d think of saying, “Can you do this for me?” I already know the person’s capability of doing it, but what is often implied in asking if they can is if it will conflict with their duties – if they are available to do it. Yes they are capable, but they have other work that should take priority. They can’t? No, they simply won’t. Why, I thought, should I be asking of people’s capability for requests of simple tasks? It was a habit. “Can you hold this? Can you pass that?” At one point I just determined it was a way to make the other person think about a rhetorical question. “Yes,” was the obvious answer, and asking the question put their mind in focus of a solution. Still, I was uncomfortable with it. If their capability is obvious, I shouldn’t waste my time or attention addressing it. I started to think more about giving direct orders. “Please hold this. Pass me that.” When having someone work under me for the first time I noticed the change. I was uncomfortable at first ordering someone around, and habitually asking them to do things came from my preference to be polite. To be more efficient, however, quick orders were best, and asking seemed like a waste of valuable time and attention. I would then sometimes be annoyed when people would ask me instead of order me to do something.

I think that “can’t” is often used instead of “won’t” as a way to make someone’s decision seem beyond their own control. “Won’t” can seem like a more negatively charged word. When we say we won’t do something, we are admitting the decision is based on our will. “I will not”. When we say we “can’t”, it is beyond our means of control and out of our blame. The decision rests on fate or the control of others, thus we are not to blame. We avoid any resentment or criticism for our actions. People sometimes try to make a decision seem based on something out of their control instead of their own reasoning because, perhaps, they don’t want others to even know their true reasoning. For instance, someone has had a bad day and wants to cancel plans, but instead of being honest, a lie is told that shifts the blame on something beyond their ability to control. This helps them avoid taking more blame and stress from disrupting plans, or even to avoid talking about a bad day they’d rather just forget. The response either becomes something like, “You won’t be coming? Aw, come on. Why not?” or, “Oh, you can’t make it? Oh, that’s fine.”

Unfortunately, when people realize they can get away with shifting the blame of things under their control by convincing another person that it is beyond their control, or even convincing themselves, then true responsibility is avoided and the opportunity to problem solve and face situations honestly can be missed. Someone was hurt and the offender should apologize. “I can’t” the offender might say when they lack the courage to do so. Saying, “I won’t” would make them seem like a bad person, which they actually are, but they don’t want to see it that way so they tell themselves they simply can’t. In all honesty, though, they can, but doing so makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it until they either have the courage to confront the situation in maturity or continue to live in fear of personal pain and humiliation, preferring to leave the broken relationship unmended. This habit to avoid reality now has very dire consequences that making a habit to accept true capabilities and responsibilities would have otherwise easily fixed. Are we being truthful when we say we can’t do something, or are we avoiding facing uncomfortable situations that help us mature as a person? The answer is important.

So in all of these situations it seems like people are being very inaccurate by saying they can’t do something when actually they can. Let me suggest, though, that perhaps it is not the case, and that they are being very truthful when they say they “can’t”. Say what? How is this so? I’ve come to interpret this word in its most literal sense, realizing that when we say “can’t” we are saying “can not”, meaning ‘able to not’. Given that the commonly accepted definition of “can’t” means ‘not able to’, for an exercise in humour, I’d like to entertain this literal definition.

Person 1: “Can you do this?”
Person 2: “I cannot.” (Says it to mean “I am unable”).
Person 1: (Interprets as “I am able to not do it”). “I’m not interested to know if you can ‘not’, I asked if you can.”
Person 2: confused “I just said I can’t.”
Person 1: “I asked if you can. You said you can ‘not’. Please tell me if you can.”
Person 2: “Ughh!”
Person 1: confused look

Is that what people are actually telling themselves when they say they can’t do something that they actually can? “Will you come out tonight?” “I can not.” (I have the ability not to, so I won’t). “Will you go down a hundred dollars?” “I can not.” (I’m able to not lower my price, so I will not lower it). “You should apologize to that person.” “I can not.” (My ability to avoid it makes me more comfortable). There we have it. People are capable of not doing things.

Is that what someone would want to hear, though, when asking another person to do something that they are perfectly capable of doing? No. They are simply changing the focus to what they are capable of not doing, which is anyone’s ability. Anyone who can do something can also not do that thing. We can have a talent and choose to not utilize it, but making a regular habit of denying our talents and abilities is not healthy behaviour.

Someone might even begin to believe they’re incapable of doing things they can when they misuse the word “can’t”. It’s better to be more accurate. If someone would rather not do something, they shouldn’t lie about their ability, but instead express their decision. If they’re uncomfortable expressing the reasoning behind their decision, something like, “I have my reasons that I’d rather not discuss” can be said. It’s better to condition the mind to be concise and truthful in all things, especially with the nuances that come into our language that can otherwise start to erode people’s thinking and behaviour.

If we say we can’t do things that we can, we are making a habit of lying to ourselves and others. It’s better even to express uncertainty of ability than to be in denial. Even if someone has never done something, it doesn’t mean they should respond by saying they’re unable to do it. Having no skill or experience has no consequence on potential abilities – it simply just hasn’t happened yet. Failure, even, isn’t an indication of inability. A failed attempt to do something should not make someone say they can’t do it. They can still have the capability, but they simply just haven’t achieved it yet. Even if they will never do or attempt to do something ever again, it’s still possible that they can, but they just simply haven’t. The only thing that impedes ability is impossibility.